Every day I tell myself that I should write a letter to Mike, and every day I somehow manage to not get around to it. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but something deep inside me just won't let me write that letter. I think I'm afraid of writing something I'll regret. I usually manage to do that, especially if I write late at night. I've determined that composing letters or e-mails at night is the worst possible thing I could ever do, because I always, without fail, end up saying something that I regret in the morning.
So I've developed this odd crush on a friend of mine who will remain unnamed (I never know whose prying eyes will stumble upon this). I sort of can't wait till we all go back to our respective colleges so that the phase will pass over, because as usual, it's one of those crushes that will go absolutely nowhere. Maybe it's just my low self-esteem that makes me think this, but somehow I always end up falling for guys that are way out of my league. I don't know why I always think guys are too good for me, but I do. And you know what? They usually do too.
I got my hair cut. I love it.
I think my hardcore partying (well, not really partying, but staying out wicked late every night, at least) is catching up with me - I'm soooo tired, even though I slept till 1pm. Tonight should probably be a night off - yeah, like that will happen.
I don't understand how half the time I have Scarlett O'Hara Syndrome (I can make any man in the world love me if I choose to do so) and half the time I have Lucy from Peanuts Syndrome (*sigh* sometimes I think no one will ever love me). Maybe I'm bipolar. Just kidding, but still, my self-esteem needs to stop having such large goddamn mood swings. Then maybe my life will be a little easier. Like I told Ben last night, the problem I suffer from most frequently is WBS - Whiny Bitch Syndrome.
Time to get ready for work... yet another lovely evening at the co-op. There's nowhere I'd rather be. *snort* Riiiiiiight.
posted by Jen at 1:19 PM
"God help the man who ever really loves you. You'd break his heart, my darling, cruel, destructive little cat who is so careless and confident she doesn't even trouble to sheathe her claws." -Gone with the Wind
There are two things I want out of life:
1. For a man to love me as much as Rhett loved Scarlett, and
2. To not be so wrapped up in myself that a love like that could ever pass me by.
Please, God, never let me become that woman - too confident, too conceited, too goddamn self-absorbed to see what was right in front of her.
I am afraid of becoming her.
But then again, maybe a love like that only comes along in books and movies. Maybe I'm too well-read to ever be happy with a man in real life - my expectations are probably too damn high. Is it better to search for a dream that may never come true or to accept a reality about which you'll never feel completely satisfied?
I miss Mike more than I thought I would, more than I probably should given our circumstances. We only dated for a short period of time... in fact, it's hard for me to even say we dated, because we never discussed the status of our relationship until we "broke up." But I think I miss him so much because I feel robbed of the opportunity to discover the potential of what we could have had. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out - maybe he would have been so hung up on Debbie that our relationship never would have gotten a chance to develop, or maybe we would have realized that we were completely incompatible. But now I feel like I'll never know. I know that he will be back in a year and that there's always a chance that something will happen when he comes back. Part of me wants to hold a candle for him, but the other part of me feels like that would be such a waste of a year of my life. Why should I put my life on hold for a boy who I had only been dating for a couple of weeks? Maybe it's the idea of pining away for a soldier overseas that appeals to me so much. I used to think that was so romantic - now I'm starting to realize that the reality of it FUCKING SUCKS.
What it comes down to is that I am alone and I am lonely and I just want to be loved.
posted by Jen at 9:04 PM
I stole this from Fitzy because I AM A BAD PERSON AND I LIKE TO STEAL.
LAYER ONE
-- Name: Jenny Lorenz :-)
-- Birthdate: April 17th
-- Birthplace: Manchester
-- Current Location: *sigh* Sitting in my living room in the beautiful, scenic town of Columbia. And by beautiful and scenic I mean BORING.
-- Eye Color: Green
-- Hair Color: Umm... today I would call it auburn with red and blonde highlights.
-- Height: Just about 5'3"
-- Righty or Lefty: Lefty. Righties = Erin, kiss my ass. (She said lefties were genetically inferior. Clearly she was just jealous.)
-- Zodiac Sign: Aries. Man, am I an Aries. I'm about the most stereotypical Aries you'll ever find.
LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: Russian, Irish, English, Austrian
-- The shoes you wore today: Well, right now I'm wearing red and white checkered flip-flops. But I'll probably put on nice sandals when I decide to actually get dressed.
-- Your weakness: Here I go, here I go, here I go again. Girls, what's my weakness? Men! Okay then.
-- Your fears: Failure and rejection.
-- Your perfect pizza: I like white pizza (no tomato sauce). I also like red pizza ("regular" pizza) with peppers, broccoli, mushrooms, olives, and basically any other vegetable. I like vegetables.
Goal you'd like to achieve: This summer, I would like to go to at least one flute lesson and be really prepared. (Enter fear #1: failure to achieve goal.)
LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: Definitely "lol." But what can I say? I laugh a lot. I'm a giggly girl, all right? Let me live.
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Usually, "Why the fuck did I stay out so late? Oh yeah, because I like being a social butterfly. I need to get over that and start getting some sleep. OH SHIT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK STOP THINKING AND SHOWER YOU BIG LOSER." Something along those lines.
-- Your best physical feature: Bleh. Nothing. I suppose they're okay when you put them all together, but I certainly don't have any particular feature that is nice by itself.
-- Your bedtime: Usually 1 or 2... or 3... Damn, I need to go to bed earlier.
-- Your most missed memory: The day after Windsor prom at Cait's beach house. Bonding with my best friends, lots of sun, good food - what else could a girl need? Oh yeah, besides sex.
LAYER FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Hi, I'm a tool.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Definitely Burger King. I have an addiction to Whopper Jrs. In fact, I need one RIGHT NOW. I'd go get one except that I haven't actually showered or gotten dressed yet. (Yeah, so what if it's 4:49pm? I was a little slow getting going today, all right? It happens.)
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas is clearly way cooler.
-- Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Nestea raspberry iced tea.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Either. Actually, both.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: I'm not a coffee person. I'm much more of a Vanilla Chai kind of girl.
LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: Rarely.
-- Cuss: Ha. I think I put the word "fuck" in every other sentence in some form or another.
-- Sing: All the time, especially in my car with the windows open and the radio blaring.
-- Take a shower everyday: Of course. What kind of dirty motherfucker do you think I am? (LOL Erin, SOB.)
-- Have a crush(es): Do you really need to ask? I am the queen of boy craziness.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes. Overrated.
-- (Erin, I took this question out because it was DUMB.)
-- Like high school: I can't say I really miss high school.
-- Want to get married: Only if I actually find someone worth marrying. I'll be honest, chances are slim.
-- Believe in yourself: I believe in my ability to fuck things up.
-- Get motion sickness: Nah. Of course, I also avoid anything that might possibly make me sick. I am terrified of roller coasters.
-- Think you're attractive: I don't think I'm ugly. But I wouldn't consider myself attractive, no.
-- Think you're a health freak: I WISH I was a health freak. Then maybe I wouldn't be such a fat ass. But no such luck.
-- Get along with your parents: On occasion. I find that I get along with my mother much better when I'm out of the house for days at a time. Then she sorta starts to miss me.
-- Like thunderstorms: I didn't used to, but I like them more now.
-- Play an instrument: Barely. God, I need to start practicing again. I AM SUCH A FAILURE AT LIFE. And by life I mean practicing.
LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Of course.
-- Smoked: Yes.
-- Done a drug: Your mom's like a drug. I'm addicted to her.
-- Had Sex: "Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love."
-- Made Out: Clearly.
-- Gone on a date: Not a real one.
-- Gone to the mall?: I went last night, actually. I bought a shirt at Hollister. :-)
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: OH MAN I AM HUNGRY.
-- Eaten sushi: Ewww, I'm not a big fan of raw fish. In fact, I'm not a fan of fish at all.
-- Been on stage: I don't think so.
-- Been dumped: I would've had to be DATING someone to be dumped. Meh.
-- Gone skating: It's a little warm for skating these days.
-- Made homemade cookies: If by "made" you mean, "picked up from the grocery store," well, still no. I don't shop.
-- Gone skinny dipping: Oh yes indeed.
-- Dyed your hair: Not dyed, exactly. Just highlighted.
-- Stolen anything: Just your heart, baby.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever..
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Anyone up for strip Nintendo?
-- If so, was it mixed company: What would be the point of playing any sort of stripping game if you aren't in mixed company? Unless you're gay. But I'm not.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Ha.
-- Been caught "doing something": So many times I can't even count. I think I have an exhibitionist streak in me. A very large streak.
-- Been called a tease: I AM a tease. O:-)
-- Gotten beaten up: I don't think I've ever been beaten up, actually. But I'm sure I've deserved to be.
-- Shoplifted: When I was ten or so, I went through a shoplifting phase. I used to steal stickers from The Hoot.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Haven't we all?
LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: Haha, I believe I am promised to someone by age 23. Scary thought, huh?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I have never been one of those girls who plans that stuff out.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: I honestly don't know.
-- How do you want to die: In some dramatic, yet quick and painless, way that makes the evening news.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A trophy wife.
-- What country would you most like to visit: France.
LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl.. ...
-- Best eye color? The color doesn't matter as long as they're full of intelligence and a little bit of mischief. :-)
-- Best hair color? Doesn't matter as long as it's clean and well-kept.
-- Short or long hair: I used to be a strictly short hair girl, but lately I've gotten away from that a bit... (Meh.)
-- Height: Anything taller than me. Not a difficult achievement.
-- Best weight: I've always had a thing for skinny guys.
-- Best articles of clothing: None. Muahahahaha.
-- Best first date location: Somewhere creative. Preferably outdoors if the weather's nice.
-- Best first kiss location: Who cares? Just kiss me, baby.
LAYER TEN
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 4.3 (What a stupid question.)
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I can think of maybe four.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Maybe 60 or so. I am too cheap to buy CDs.
-- Number of piercings: Just one in each ear. I'm sort of traditional like that.
-- Number of tattoos: Seven. They just all happen to be in VERY private places.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: So many, but usually just for stupid nerdy academic stuff.
-- Number of scars on my body: I don't know, but you're welcome to count... ;-)
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: Very few. Maybe two. I prefer to look at my past as a "learning experience."
So that was long and boring. But I was bored. And long. I'm not sure what that means. Oh well, whatever.
posted by Jen at 5:15 PM 